Graceful Parenting in Austin

Dear CWL,

I missed your annual New Year’s Day Appelflappen party again this year. I could tell you that a bad accident happened, which is true, but only in our minds…

We don’t see each other a lot during the year, but when we do, I always tell you we are going to make it to your Appelflappen party (appelflappen is Dutch apple fritters traditionally served on New Year’s Day), but I never do.

I really thought we were going to make it happen this year. Blue Eyes and I didn’t forget. We were showered and dressed. I was even wearing makeup. We were just waiting for Baby Girl to wake up so we could feed her and then head on over. It’s amazing how quickly accidents can happen.

Baby Girl woke up and had trouble taking her bottle. We are starting to cut back on breast feeding and add some formula feedings and I think she sensed our plan and was pretty upset. Blue Eyes took over the feeding, since I thought it would help if what she really wanted wasn’t just inches away. I was in the kitchen getting her bananas ready and I was so annoyed.

The holidays were coming to an end and there weren’t many holidays in there in the old-fashioned, before-having-an-infant sense. No sleeping late and hanging around with no particular plans. My particular plans started at 8AM or 7 or 6, depending, with five breast feedings a day and three solid food feedings, plus a final bottle at night. Then there are the naps, three or two or four, depending, which don’t happen all on their own.There isn’t any length of time of more than an hour that I don’t have to be on duty and ready for service. All of that and no holidays! And when you have a stomach bug that keeps you in the bathroom, followed by allergies and a cough that keeps you up at night, there are no sick days either! And when my cough finally lets up and I get to sleep at 3 AM, then she wakes up at 4 AM to eat, I find myself asking, “Will She Ever Be Done Eating?!!?!?!?!?!”

OK, so I probably knew this is how babies are before I had this baby, but I didn’t know how it would feel and I’m feeling really tired.

And I am trying my best to not be a Mom who is mad and resentful at her husband for not helping with the breast feeding. I know that is ridiculous and I’m not crazy. But Baby Girl eats solids now too, after she breast feeds. But I happen to always be with her at that time and maybe Blue Eyes is busy, so I end up feeding her her solids too. Then there is the schedule that I think she is on for naps, which is only in my head and impossible for someone else to understand, so I end up putting her down for naps.

Back to the afternoon of the party, I can hear Baby Girl being fussy with her bottle, so I go in to the nursery to see how it is going. Blue Eyes hands Baby Girl to me. He says he has done his best, but now he needs a break. And, would I mind if he didn’t go to the Appelflappen party, since he could really use some time for himself.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. He has done one feeding in a row and now he’s tired and needs time for himself!

I tell him, yes, I would definitely mind. Now he is annoyed with me and walks into the back room. I’m left to feed Baby Girl her bananas. When we are done, I’m more annoyed with him because he has fallen asleep.

I don’t remember what exactly happened after that except I was pretty busy being mad and I take a drive and then a walk. Some time during the walk, I realized that he actually said he would go to the party, he might not have meant to go to sleep and if I wasn’t so busy being mad, that is where we would be.

So, that was our accident. We were both tired and Blue Eyes said something pretty normal at a pretty bad time and then there was a collision right there in our kitchen.

We talked later and Blue Eyes said he can do her solid feedings. I can write out our sort-of-schedule so he can know what is up. And he did need some time with his friends, he hadn’t had any over the holidays. I know I married an amazing guy and I’m learning to trust that more.

Sometimes I think I go on a date with my anger. I’m a little bit angry, but then I think about it and ponder it and analyze it and nurture it so that it grows and gets stronger. I worry that if I don’t get worked up, I won’t address the issue and I will suffer a great injustice.

That is all pretty ridiculous, I’m sure of it.

Which is easier to say when I got a good night’s sleep last night and Blue Eyes is watching Baby Girl today.

But still, I’m going to work on handling my little anger first. I know what I feel like when I get worked up and to Just Say No to that business. Well, at least to do this - to say, OK, anger I’ll go out with you on Friday night. Not now, but on Friday. Until then, I’m going to talk to my husband and my kids and see if there is a way to handle the little anger and if none of that works out, then we have a date to get worked up later.

So, CWL, that is why we missed your Appelflappen party AGAIN. I hope you aren’t mad and we get to stay on the invite list for 2008 and that you and your family have a really great new year!

Sincerely,

Carol